journey

I have always been a bit fascinated by the differing journeys that life brings. How sometimes the journey is more exciting than the end, the preparation for a journey, the diversions you sometimes take. 367 days ago I started a new journey. The journey of a wife. There was a lot of preparation for this journey. I had been preparing for it long before I met the husband. Not preparation for the wedding day, but for being married. I was aware that if I ever wanted to get married I had to start thinking about the kind of wife I wanted to be, and work on becoming that person many years ago. Part of this came from observing other marriages, of knowing that the person I was before marriage would be the person I was in marriage and that my husband would deserve for that to be the best person I could be. There were also physical preparations for the journey. We had to prepare a home, prepare the wedding. These were mostly fun preparations. We also did marriage prep classes. We got to share the preparations with others. So now we are 367 days into the journey. A journey we chose to make. It has so far been a great journey of mutual love, support and tolerance. We are both constantly learning what it is to share in this journey, and my guess is that this learning will continue in some form for the rest of our lives. It is a journey with no destination, a journey to enjoy.

The other major journey I have been travelling recently has been that of illness. The preparation for this one was non existent. I never gave any thought before I was ill to what I would be like when I was ill, trying to hone my character to be the best ill person I could be. I didn't make any physical preparations. I had no sessions to help me learn how to be ill. I didn't prepare a place to be ill. I didn't talk to others about being ill. I didn't get ready for a special day on which to start being ill. It is a journey that came to me when I didn't expect it, that decided to take me along on it. And it has definitely been a harder journey than the one previously mentioned. People are happy to talk about relationships, about being married, about learning to live with one another, about getting through tougher times and celebrating great times. Many people have experienced this. People are less likely to talk about being ill. About coping with result this has on your mental health. Less people want to talk about what it is like to have days when leaving the house is the last thing you want to do, and sometimes physically can't do. Less people want to actively share this journey. They will say they are thinking of you, but don't come and sit with you, write to you, join you on the journey. I am thankful for the pocket of people who do. They brighten the journey. I am hoping that the journey of illness is one that will have an end. And if it does then I can certainly say that the destination will be better than the journey.

wedding

This weekend was spent in Kent. We were there for my brothers wedding. It was also our wedding anniversary. It was a bit of a strange weekend really. We got there Friday lunch time and had a little picnic in our room. We were in the honeymoon suite so we had lots of comfy chairs and sofas. This meant that everyone hung out in our room during the weekend. It was lovely to have a place that everyone could be together. Other than that the room was a little odd. It had an ensuite that had obviously been just stuck in the corner of the room. It had a door with rather unfrosted glass. This meant that when everyone was hanging out in the room we couldn't use the bathroom. The bed was highly sprung so every slight move from the other person in it gave you sea sickness. And the walls were covered in dark cupboards and drawers. We did enjoy looking at the naked statues in the garden. It was lovely to see some wonderful Ipswich friends at the wedding, and enjoy having lots of time to chat and play with them. I am now unsurprisingly crashed.

fresh

Yesterday we change the bed. We are a bit scuzzy and don't do this as often as we probably should. I also changed my pyjama's so they were nice and clean. It made getting into bed feel very fresh.

park

Yesterday was a super good day. I had some little bits where I felt a bit droopy, but other than that we had some good fun. I went for a swim, I just love being in the water, I always feel much better when I am. I made a gingerbread cake. I don't think I have made this one before, it is tasty. I made lunch for the husband and myself, and made lots of cups of tea throughout the day. We went to a park I hadn't been to before. It has a nice big pond we walked round, and saw a komorant. They have like an outdoor gym which was fun to play on. And we got to have a nice walk. I even drove there! We saw Hustle, and some other telly. We made pizza for tea, which was very tasty. I think there more things we did too but it was so bust I can't remember. And the best bit is I'm not suffering for it today.

cheers

Cheers for all of the support and niceness after that last little blog. So far the coming off of the anti-d's is going ok, although we are only just through the first week. Unfortunately the nasty dreams have returned. The worst one was yesterday morning. I had had a lovely nights sleep, only woken up once and had slept fairly deep which I don't often. And then the bad one struck. I'm not going to describe because I am trying to forget it and not relive it. But I woke up in tears and nearly hyper-ventilating. The husband leaves early for work so he had already gone, I was home alone. I did ring him up and fortunately he wasn't busy so he could calm me down, and made sure I'd gone downstairs so I couldn't go back to sleep (I often re-enter dreams when I wake and go back to sleep). I thought that it would shake me all day, but strangely it didn't. I did more yesterday than I often would manage, didn't need extra rests and didn't have to go to bed early. I guess the good nights sleep must have counteracted the rest. Had another one last night, not so bad and while the husband was still around, so I was able to wake him and hug through it. I've always had the occasional bad dream, but they seem to come round more often and be worse now. Not sure why.

changes

I've been to see the doctor today, and we have decided that as I have been so good of late I am going to come off the anti-depressants. I have to come off them gradually as you can't suddenly stop taking anti-depressants, your body just wouldn't like it. The doctor has given me a plan for coming off them, and if it seems at any time that I'm not coping coming off them then I go and see the doc again and we readjust the plan. I'm happy to be coming off them, I want to know what life is like without anything other than me controlling my body. I hope that I manage ok without them, it would be a sign that the depression is gone and therefore I am on the overall road to recovery.