bad

Yesterday was a bad day. I don't think either of us realised quite how bad until the husband came home from a meeting to find his doofas curled up in the spare bed unable to explain why there were tears or why she was in the spare bed.

I am determined to make today more cheerful. I know that these silly emotions come from within, but I also know that what I do and how I allow myself to think affects these silly emotions. So today I am focussing on things I am thankful for, people who make my life a million times better just by their presence in it and on being a positive person. I am not letting this illness rule my life and my emotions, I am not letting the silliness of others affect how I feel, I am not focussing on what I don't have. I am being grateful for the immense amount I do have, for all the love in my life and the many blessings I have. I mean how many people go to bed hungry, having to have drunk water that could make them ill and with no real roof over their head. This has never happened my whole life, if no where that is a good place to start your thanks with doofas.

lost

I feel a bit lost at the moment. It happens whenever I get a bit more poorly. I am more poorly now as a result of over-doing it (which is kinda good coz it means the being more ill has a cause and isn't just one of those thing). I am also recovering relatively quickly from the being more poorly (which is good as it means overall I am getting better even though I am more unwell at the moment). The lost feeling comes when I just don't know where I fit in the world. When I feel undefined as a person. Although I know my worth comes from being God's child, as a human it is hard not to feel ones worth through what we do. When I am more poorly what I do is essentially not a lot. When I am more well I can start to see that I might work again one day, I might have an answer to the question people you have just met, or people you haven't seen for a while, ask. I will be able to say I work at...., I do...., rather than I sit around a lot and try and get better. Often people talk to me about going back to work, I let them talk about even though I have no idea when it will be, or what kind of work it will be. Those people that talk to me about it always seem to have some good idea about what it should be and when it should be. I manage not to tell them to be quiet because I learn that people often feel the need to have their say, or feel the need to be helpful by 'encouraging' you. I don't find it encouraging. I find it a reminder that I am lost. That I have no idea when I will be able to return to work. That I have no idea what work I will end up doing. I desperately want to be doing work that reflects my hearts song, but I know I have to be very much better for that to happen. So for now, 'what do you doofas?', 'well I sit around a lot, and I will justify that by the fact that I am (still) unwell, however to help define myself in your eyes I used to.....'