feel

If you were to ask me how I am you would probably get the reply 'ok' or 'muddling on through'. Why? Because most people wouldn't listen to the real answer. And writing it here means that anyone can choose to listen or not.

I feel lost. I feel like have no place in anything any more. I can't work, so I can't describe myself according to my profession. I can do little at church, so I barely feel like I belong there. Friends are few and far between in Derby, so I feel like I have no social group to fit into. Because of the CFS I feel like I am barely the wife I should be, I can't even fit into that role properly. I feel lost.

I feel alone. Most days the only person I see or speak to is the husband. I love seeing him and speaking to him, but I love seeing and speaking to other people. I don't even mind if that speaking is in the form of email. But people visit here so rarely that I don't get to see them. We don't get invited out - it's like people think oh no she's ill we can't have them round. I feel alone.

I feel useless. Everyday we (or more often than not the husband) makes a list of tasks for the day. They include things like rests, shower, watch TV. At the end of the day instead of a sense of satisfaction about the things I've crossed off the list I feel pathetic that that is all I can manage in a day. I know I could try and not have a list, but past experience shows that without the list I end up doing little as I need that to focus me. I feel like I contribute little to society, little to my marriage. Like I don't function like a normal human being, and so am useless compared to most people.

I feel sad. I feel sad that this is what my life is now. That I can't do what I used to. That I can't contribute like I used to. That so much of my life is spent in our little house. That I can rarely see much loved friends and family because we don't live in the same town. That I'm not the wife the husband deserves. That having once been so active I now have to be so inactive. I feel sad.

But if you were to ask me, I'm ok, after all you wouldn't know what to do if I stood and gave you that reply so I'll save you the embarrassment.

upped

My level of exercise continues to be regularly upped. I am now managing a 12 minute and a 10 minute walk daily. And on Tuesday when I went swimming I did 12 lengths. These were full lengths as opposed to the half lengths I had been doing. It's good that I can be gradually increasing what I can do, but I do have to continually remind myself not to push myself too far, to make sure they are gradual increases when I'm sure I can sustain the current level.

thankful

There are many things I am grateful for right now.

- foam banana's and yoghurt raisins

- Doctors that listen and want to help

- being able to gradually increase exercise levels

- trips to Ipswich and friends and family there

- a wonderful husband

- a roof over my head and food on my plate

- hot running water

- crafting

- Soul Survivor Bible in One Year

- noticeable improvements in health

unexpected

This weekend I was treated to an unexpected trip to Ipswich. The husband got an email on Wednesday inviting him for an interview on Friday. It was short notice, but he managed to get the time off work, and off we set on Friday morning. We had less than 24 hours there, but it was lovely. I really the notice the difference to how I feel when I am there and when I am here. I can't wait til we get to live there. The travelling has however taken it out of me, along with picking up a sore throat/cold. So I guess the next few days I won't be rushing about quite so much as I recover.

meeting

I went to a meeting last night. I didn't think it would be a long one, but it turned out I didn't get to bed until 10pm. Despite now having a later bedtime, it isn't that late. I slept really well, and wasn't sure how today would pan out, how I would feel. I was really good, until about 4. I managed to get loads done, I had a good walk and even had a little drive. And then about 4 I crashed. I got a really bad headache and my energy levels bottomed out. Fortunately some painkillers, a rest and dinner have picked me up a bit, but I think it'll be an earlier night tonight!

driving

One of the things that I have not been able to do recently as I've found it way too tiring is driving. However since I've started to feel a fair bit better I have started to do a very little bit of driving. This weekend I drove to the supermarket (and the husband drove back). We have decided that most days we will go out for a very little drive to help me be able to drive more by myself. Hopefully the more we build this up the less isolated I will become.

home

Well I am home after a few days at my Dad's. I was there over the weekend with the husband and then stayed on a few days on my own. It was really great to catch up with lots of people, play games and have fun, and I got to help Dad do lots of sorting and clearing out of rubbish. So I had five days when I could see people whenever I wanted and have lots of fun. Now I am back in Derby I feel all lost and lonely. I can't get out to see anyone on my own and people rarely come to see me. So now I am home on my own all day while the husband is at work. I think if I saw more people it would actually help in my recovery, but until I am well enough to drive some more, or until people decide to visit me I am a lonely stuck at home in the day.