blubbing

I seem to be blubbing at everything at the moment. I saw some London Marathon, and couldn't eat my dinner for the tears in my eyes. This week Masterchef and DIY SOS have had me in tears. I saw an acquaintance's baby on Facebook - blubbing again. Am watching a bit of This Morning talking about the royal wedding, tears are coming to my eyes. Don't know what that's all about! In other news, I had the longest sleep I've had in a very long time last night, only two wake ups and only one weird dream. I long for that kind of sleep more regularly.

TV

So lent has ended and so we have switched the TV back on. But we have found that we have enjoyed and benefited from having no TV. We have resolved to only switch the TV on when we want to watch a programme, and then to switch it off instead of flicking through the channels and finding something that can stay on. We have decided to buy a televisual listings guide so that we can make decisions about what we watch. In the past we would turn the TV on to find out what was on. This meant that we would then leave the TV on with something on in the background. I know that not having the tele on all the time helps my health, it is exhausting having constant visual and audio input.

train

This week I have been to my Grandma's funeral. She was the last of my grandparents to make her way to heaven. She died suddenly three weeks ago today, and her funeral was on Tuesday just gone. The husband didn't have time off work, so we made the decision that I would go by myself on the train. When we made the decision I was OK with it, I knew it would be more tiring that being driving but knew it was the only way I'd get there. I booked the tickets, the return ones were sent to me, but the outward journey I had to collect at the station. I was going to Cambridge on the way and being picked up by the elder brother, and then staying at Dad's for a couple of days before heading back from Ipswich to Nottingham, where the husband picked me up. This was the cheapest way of doing it.

A friend kindly picked my up to take me to the station on Tuesday morning. I had packed the night before, was sure I had everything, and so felt OK about it all. Well I felt OK about it when I woke up in the morning, the night before was another matter with many tears and panics. When I arrived at the station I went to the machine to put my card in and get my ticket. However all did not go to plan. I forgot the booking code, and needed it to collect the tickets. I asked a member of the station staff what to do and they told me queue at the ticket windows and collect them there. There was a large queue here and I was starting to panic. I had to do some very slow in through the nose out through the mouth breaths. Fortunately some people left the queue, and there was a large group of young people who went to the window together, so it decreased my waiting time. I explained to the man at the window what had happened, he did look at me as if to say 'what do you want me to do about it', but eventually gave me my tickets. I made my way to the platform still trying to stop myself from panicking. I got the train OK, found my seat and thankfully the person who should've been in the seat next to me wasn't, so I had space.

On arriving in London (where I was to make my connection) I really needed a wee. I got into St Pancras and was leaving from Kings Cross. The two are across the road from each other. However there were a lot of works going on and it wasn't clearly signposted, so I had to think a bit to work out where I was going. I had decided to find where I was going and then find a lavatory. Due to the works the only available facility was quite a walk from where I was. But I needed to go, so set off to find it. I walked past the gentleman's facility, and assumed the ladies would be nearby. How wrong I was. It was as far from the gentleman's as possible. I got there, worked out I had the right money to go and joined the queue. I was about 4 from the front when a man came a long and told us all to go straight through as they had to empty the change machine. S0 I got to wee for free! I made my way back to the platform needed and got on the train. This was a simple and short journey and I was met at the station by brother the elder.

The funeral went well, it was a great tribute to grandma's life. Several people we know from Ipswich had come so we were able to chat to them after rather than having to make conversation with elderly relatives we had no idea who they were or sitting in the corner looking anti-social. The rest of the time in Ipswich was lovely due to the lovely people I got to spend time with. The journey back was OK, apart form having to run for train due to bad traffic getting to the station and an hour wait at Ely.

The best part of the whole thing was being met by the husband at the end of the journey. Never has a hug been so wanted and needed. The worst part of the whole thing is that my symptoms are now worse, interestingly delayed by a day - yesterday I was fine. But I know that careful management will bring me back to my 'norm'.

breakfast

I have never been brilliant at eating breakfast. My stomach just doesn't cry out for food until about 11am. Breakfast used to be a yoghurt and maybe some sultanas, or occasionally toast if I had any bread in (I don't eat bread all that often). But since being poorly I have come to appreciate the need for a good breakfast. I find that when I eat a good breakfast I have more energy throughout the day, I want to snack less and I eat a better lunch because I am not suddenly feeling very hungry and satiating that hunger with naughty food. So now breakfast is muesli, porridge, bran flakes or occasionally home made scotch pancakes (often made with sultanas and oats), or a bacon sandwich. I always make sure there is some kind of fruit (dried or fresh), to start me off on my way to my five a day. And I fell much better for a good breakfast. One of my worst CFS symptoms is nausea, and so often I fell even less like eating in the morning, but I find that eating actually helps the nausea. I need to remember when I am well to keep on having a good breakfast, it has become my most important meal of the day.

worth

Well I told myself to only do it if it's worth it. And this weekends activities were worth it, however this time round my health hasn't suffered from the busyness. Friday night we ended up at some lovely friends for dinner, and then I stayed while Mark went to play football, resulting in a latter then normal night. We thought this would mean a bad Saturday. However I woke up feeling ok. We went swimming, and had a lovely swim. I wanted to stay longer, but I know that that is not a good idea so forced myself out of the pool. After a rest and a shower we went to see some other friends for lunch and the afternoon. These are very lovely friends, time spent in their company is easy and having not seen them for a while we had a lot to catch up on. It was also a lot of fun to spend time with their one year old little girl. Nothing gets the biological clock ticking like time spent with a lovely child! The evening was chilled, and sleep came easily - I even managed to sleep for pretty much the whole night, a wonderful bonus. We had a guest speaker at church so had a great sermon, and a fairly good service all round. A chilled afternoon was followed by dinner with some church folk, and then an evening spent watching An Island Parish. And then I had another really good nights sleep, and woke up feeling good. So a weekend of things that should've tired me but didn't. I wonder if it's wanting to do things, and spending time with I want to and who make it easy to be with that don't tire me out so much.

health

Well I set this thing up to write about my health, but don't seem to write about it all that much! This last month or so has been a bit up and down. The down has mostly been my own fault. I know how to pace myself, I know what things are unhelpful to me and yet sometimes I still do them. On occasion I don't mind doing these things - the thing far outweighs the down. But mostly it doesn't. Last Saturday was one of those days. We found out around lunchtime that my Grandma had died. She was getting on a bit, but it was still unexpected. That evening it was the husbands nana's 75th birthday celebration meal. I had known right from when we first heard about it that I shouldn't go. It would mean eating too late for me (I find that if I don't put energy into my body at regular enough intervals I suffer), and a room full of people I don't know well enough to comfortably chat to, and so chatting becomes more of an effort. I had said I would go because I heard too many times 'it would be lovely if you could come', 'it would be nice if you were there, the rest of the family will be there', etc etc. Following the news at lunchtime I knew it really wouldn't do me any good, but felt the pressure to go. So I went. I had a so-so time. And then for the rest of the week I have suffered. Tuesday I was convinced I was having a major relapse and all the hard work we'd put in recently was for nothing. Fortunately by the end of Friday I realised it was just a self-induced set back. I really need to make sure that anything that gives me a week worth of bad is blooming good. The good and bad need to be balanced, I don't wana go through the bad if I don't get the good too. So doofas, learn in future, only say yes if it's going to be worth it.

year

Thursday was a year since I last worked. It turned out to be a busy day (I had to have a big fry up with the husband, then go to sort out a mortgage and then we had a lovely evening with the Herbert's who are fellow Ipswich exports). So I didn't really have time to think about a year of not working. But there have been (and still are) times when not working makes me feel a bit useless. Like I don't make any real contribution. It is not like not working because you are a mum and your job becomes caring for your children, or when you have retired and you have worked for many years and now have the privilege of not working. I am at a point in my life where I should be working, contributing financially at home, making a difference through my work. I try and view my 'job' at the moment as getting better. When I view it like that it helps a bit. But it does sometimes make me feel like a not=proper human being.