overdue

This post is overdue, my apologies. It is in part due to a weeks holiday, and part due to laziness.

The holiday was spent in Devon, we had a lovely time - the weather was just right and we managed to get out and about a fair bit, I did more walking than I thought I would be able to and the rain/wind only kept us awake for one night. It is amazing how much louder the weather is when under canvas! While away we got to see some very good friends and it was fab to be able to spend time with them.

Whilst away we heard that contracts on the houses were about to exchange and a moving date had been set. We found this out as we had an answerphone message from our mortgage advisor asking if we knew what we doing transferring money. We couldn't get back through to him, so rang the solicitor who very casually told us contracts were exchanging and a date had been set. We wonder when she would've got round to telling us if we hadn't rung! We actually came back a day early from holiday as we knew we the husband having the Monday off, returning on Sunday gave us a day to get things sorted. We are now in the throws of packing, the trouble with being in such a small house is that there is no where to put the boxes once packed. Although the upside to having a small house is that we have less stuff in it.

I haven't been so well of late. It started a couple of weeks before holiday when I overdid for a week and then have been paying ever since. I was improving before holiday but we knew that after holiday would see me have a dip, unfortunately with now having all the house things to do I can't have all the rest I need and so it will take longer to get back to the point I was before.

I have found, as I often with big life things, that I have been missing my mum a bit more this last week. It just feels strange not having her around to chat to and to check with things like at what point should we pack the kitchen, how clean do we need to leave the house, what should we leave to take in the car. Those kind of things. And I know she would've spent a few days here helping us to pack and allowing me to rest up a bit more. What a good job I have the wonderful husband to be my companion through it all.

grumpy

Yesterday was grumpy Wednesday. Everything was making me grumpy. Even the weather being nice was grump inducing. I was grumpy that I'm not on holiday, I was grumpy that the husband had driven work, I was grumpy that we are still living in this silly house, I was grumpy that we went over an hour in the car park, I was grumpy grumpy grumpy. And of course the husband bore the brunt of the grump. Sorry hubs. Today is more cheerful Thursday. I slept wonderfully last night. Probably mostly because the husband slept downstairs (not because we'd fallen out, more to try and let us not disturb each other in the night.) I didn't get woken by himself pushing his pillows in my face, or trying to clean imaginary rubbish out of the blinds, or funny not quite snoring noises. He didn't get woken by coughing, getting up for the loo, etc. And I didn't get woken when he came to bed or when his alarm went in the morning. I do love a good night sleep. We both look forward to being in the new house and using a bit of the wedding money to buy a bigger bed and having a big enough bedroom so that we both have a side to our bed. Anyway, that was a slight night time tangent. So yes, I woke up more cheerful, and I am determined to be more cheerful throughout the day. For the husands sake if nothing else.

naughty

I have been a naughty girl this week and overdone things. I was trying to make up for the things I couldn't do the week before when I was laid low with a cold. I thought I had got the hang of this pacing thing but clearly need to remind myself of the concept again. So now I am a bit more poorly than normal. Silly Doofas.

normal

I think that there are times when we find it hard to cope with the not normal in life because of the expectation we have about what normal is. I have had the privilege over the course of my life of meeting and getting to know many different kinds of people. From those people I can't define what a 'normal' person is. There is no such thing. And yet when someone is not what is perceived to be normal that person, or their family, struggle to deal with their life, and how they fit in the world. A lot of my low moments have come when I mourn normal life and being normal. But that is by societies definition of normal, which has also become what I view as being normal. It involves being able to go to work, do housework regularly, cooking meals most days, socialise regularly etc etc. If I try to view my life now, and how I am now as my current normal, my acceptable way to live for me, it causes me less stress. If I can redefine my normal and not worry about I feel others expect of me it helps me to feel better because I am more accepting of who I am, who the illness has made me.

I started to think about this following a conversation with a friend whose child has extra learning needs (I think that is the correct term). A lot of their frustration with their child and how they function in society is because they are not normal. They do not function as a normal child does. However who they are, what they achieve day to day is normal for them. Whether they managed to sit on the carpet at school for story time, or ran round the classroom pretending to be pony (that is if they even made it to school), is normal for them. And yet because it is not normal for most people it is frowned upon. We are told that children should be able to sit still and listen to a story. So the child that kind is said to be showing non-normal behaviour that needs to be challenged and changed. (As a slight aside, typing that last sentence has made me wonder whether when children are described as having 'challenging behaviour', it means that their behaviour is challenging to those who care for them, or the behaviour needs to be challenged by those who care for them to make them become more normal.) If we start at the point that the person is normal and how they function is acceptable then how we care for them changes, rather than expecting them to become the normal that society expects of them and forcing (or encouraging) them to do things that are too far outside of their normal. I realise that if behaviour is damaging to the person or others it needs to be challenged, but if it is just who that person is, does it need to be challenged? Can they not just be allowed to be who they are and function as they are?

throat

Right now my biggest battle is a sore throat that keeps on coming and going. It is a common symptom of CFS, and one that I had a lot in the early days. However the last few months it has barely been a problem until a couple of weeks ago. And so I am drinking a lot of honey and lemon, taking pain killers when needed and having to rest up a bit more than sometimes. That said the last two days haven't been so restful as we had some friends visiting. Which probably explains why my throat is so bad this morning. Still we've said all a long some things are worth the downside, and the last two days are definitely worth it.