who

A question I have been asking myself of late is 'who am I?' The more well I get, the more I realise I have lost myself. I have got so used to poorly me and who that is. The limitations that has brought, the capabilities (or incapabilities) that I have had, the physical, emotional and spiritual effect it has had on me. And so I come to wonder 'who am I? What makes me me?' I am not sure I have an answer to these questions, because the only answer I have is the one that relates to poorly me. So I was wondering, do you have an answer to this question that relates to well me. I need to know the good and the bad. I am trying to piece myself back together, but to do that I need to know who I am.

decorating

The weekend saw a flourish of decorating. The Husband decided that Friday night he was going to wash the walls down in the little bedroom ready for him to paint coat 1 on Saturday and coat 2 on Sunday. He washed the walls down and we found ourselves painting coat 1 on Friday night. Saturday morning saw a swim (for me) and a trip to B and Q (for him) Followed by coat 2. This done we decided we could maybe tackle the woodwork in same room. So Sunday morning before church it was sanded and after church it had its first coat. Feeling ourselves to be on a bit of a roll we decided to also tackle the bathroom. This involved stripping the wallpaper first. So The Husband did this, then washed the walls down. This took longer than first thought. We had a big sit down, felt too tired and decided to leave the paint until this morning. However, our thoughts were all changed after some donut consumption. I felt the need for cake, and we had none in the house. A little walk to a local supermarket found us purchasing and consuming donuts. The imbiding of this sweet treat gave the energy to do a little more, and so the first coat of paint was applied to the walls Sunday night. A second coat shall be put on this afternoon, and the bathroom will be complete. The second coat of gloss in the little room shall wait until Tuesday (this will be my job and however well I feel I have to ensure I don't overdo it). Then we have two more rooms complete. The downstairs toilet/sink is being replaced as I type, a new built in cupboard is being created next week, and the week after the hall stairs and landing and door frames are being painted. This will just leave us with carpet to buy and two bedrooms to tackle. Oh and the garden. But we are not even going to think about that until spring time.

phase

We think we have re-entered a good phase. The weekend was on the busy side for us and I have suffered no repercussions (well other than the muscle ache of planting many bulbs). To add to the busyness I've not been sleeping brilliantly, two things that should wipe me out but so far haven't. We are praying that they continue to not wipe me out and that I can carry on with normal life. Well normal for me, I'm aware that normal life for one with CFS is different to that of most people! This week sees continued busyness, and I suppose I should add to that routine things like cleaning coz that's the kind of thing that gets dropped in the not so good phases.

tape

When my father last visited he bought with him a tape of his and my mum's wedding. It was a spare copy (I think it used to be my Grandparents) and he kinda subtly handed it over as his new wife was with him. I put it on the shelf and forgot about it until yesterday. Yesterday I pulled it out and put it on in the background while I was doing some other stuff. The other stuff soon got forgotten and I listened avidly to this tape. Mum and Dad both sounded so young. They were in their mid-20's when they got married but it sounded like it could have been ten years earlier. As well as being able to hear my mums voice again, when I flipped the tape over to the speeches on the other side I heard my Grandad's voice for the first time. He died a year before I was born, four years after mum and dad got married. He, and Grandma who died five years later, were not spoken about that often in our home. I think it might have been mum's way of coping with losing them both. It was the first glimpse I'd really got into what he was like. He sounded so warm and friendly and fun. I wish that I had been able to know him. I sometimes feel that having not known my Grandad and having no memory of my Grandma has somehow left me not quite fully knowing who I am. I look at my siblings and cousins, and at who my mum and auntie were and through that catch glimpses of my Grandparents but this tape was one of the first times I've ever felt I've known either of them in any way. It challenges me to try and keep memories of my mum alive, to not forget or let others forget who she was.

complete

So the decorating of the kitchen is complete, and I love love love it. It feels so much more like it is our own than before. The more we make this house our home the more I love being here. I love having a bit of space. I love having room for people to stay. I love that we are putting our own stamp on it. I love having central heating. I love being near friends and family. I just love it. It is a much nicer place to be poorly than the last place. And recently I have been a bit more poorly. I've had some strange abdominal pain and the doctor has ordered some tests to try and work out what is causing it. In the meantime I've been put on anti-biotics in case it is an infection. However my body is having some adverse reactions to the anti-biotics which is making the CFS worse. It's not really badly worse, but enough for me to have take a bit of a step back for a little while. Which actually gives me more time to get crafty, can't complain!