Both

These last few days have seen both a big success and a big failure. Thursdays is my swim day. I am only in the pool for thirty minutes and there is not much zoomy swimming happening. But I really enjoy being in the water, it is the one time in the week that I feel normal, that I feel like myself. On Thursday I wasn't feeling amazing anyway, partly to be blamed on too much bad sleep and partly to be blamed on monster PMT (tmi?). I got ready to set off for my swim. I made the husband a cup of tea in his thermos mug and remembered to bring biscuits. This is because after he met me at the swimming pool he was going to church to do some man work with drills and things. I got my money ready and made sure I had all my swim stuff. Organising myself takes a bit more brain power these days so then I had a little sit down. I set of to the pool, the only time in the week that I drive at the moment. I had got about a minute and a half from home when I noticed the petrol light was flashing. Not on to let it me know it was low, flashing. Flashing to say it will very soon run out. I panicked, pulled over and rang the husband. He assured me that it would get me to the pool ok. But neither of us had any money on us to get petrol on the way back from the pool. He thought it would probably be ok, and if it did run out that wouldn't happen until he was with me anyway. But by that point I was panicked. Too panicked to drive the car. I used to drive my car until the petrol gauge was below red, I used to push it to see how far it would go on nothing, it was a game between me and the car. I used to enjoy it. Now the thought that there was a chance it could run out was all too much. I was too panicked the worry took the energy I had for swimming. So I turned round, went home, cried, and felt silly. What a failure.

Yesterday I knew I had to try a solo venture out of the house. If I didn't then going to my thursday swim  would likely instil panic and worry again. So I spent all morning convincing myself I really should. I must do it. I could do it. I had some things that needed taking to a friend that I was going to send the husband with at some point. I decided to take them myself. They live fairly near so I walked. It was the most nervy walk I think I've ever had, silly really, friends shouldn't make me nervy but that seems to be how it is at the moment. I knocked on the door, on answering it my friend said they were glad it was me, they were going to ring me that afternoon as they wanted to talk to me. It turned out to be very good talking, they offered some considered thoughts on the road I find myself walking at the moment. They asked the questions I kind of wished someone would ask, not that I necessarily had answers, but the questions showed the kindness I needed and the wisdom imparted was very timely. I left there, went home, feeling brighter, lighter, and slept well last night feeling more positive about me, about the future. What a success.