Shadow

Some days I feel like a shadow
A shadow of my former self.
A shadow of the life I used to live.
A shadow of what I used to do.
A shadow of the one who was once sister, daughter, friend.

This shadow is restricting.
It reminds me of how life could be.
It reminds me of potential left unmet.
It reminds me of how selfish this illness makes you become.
It reminds me of what could be.

This shadow is repressive.
The darkness tells me I am not me.
The darkness tells me of what I don't have.
The darkness reminds me of what I am not.
The darkness swallows up hope of light.

It is always cooler in the shade.
A shadow is rarely noticed.
A shadow is an imperfect imitation of something real.
A shadow is overshadow of real life.
A shadow of my former self.

Life should not be lived as a shadow.
I must strive to live in the light.
I must remember the me of now is the real me.
I must celebrate the many good parts of life.
I must shrug off the shadow,
                 be the me I am,
                          not bound by what was,
                                    or what could be.

Stepping out of the shadow, into the light.

best

I know many a wife will think this about their own spouse, but I really do have the best husband in the whole world wide. I don't always cope so well with having M.E., he has to cope with a wife with M.E. who doesn't always cope so well. And he does so admirably. I may have written about him on here before, brain fog and being too lazy to reread means I don't know. So apologies if this is a repeat. But really he is fantastic. I feel like he is gift from God. I wouldn't be managing to get through without him. He carries way more than his fair share of jobs around the house, doesn't have the social life he/we could if I were well, he has to spend more time than any husband should reassuring me when I wobble, he is the one that ends up having to build me up, cheer me up, pick me up. And he does it all without complaining, without a thought of how it could be. He is better than me about accepting life as it is, about taking what we have and working towards the better. My husband is amazing, and I love him very much.

Description

I think the best description of life right now is up and down. Some days I feel like I'm coping, some I don't, some moments I feel like I'm coping, sometimes don't. I can be doing ok, then it can suddenly go down again, or I can be not so great and it can pick up. I don't know what I do or don't do that makes any difference at the moment, which can be frustrating. Sometimes I can manage to be out of the house, or have people round, but sometimes I feel a bit like I have to batten down the hatches, let that particular storm pass, shut away from the world. But we are managing, there is a very slow upward trend, so slow you have to look closely to notice it! The husband remains a complete tower of strength, I have no idea how he does it, it is much easier to cope with him by my side.