I feel lost. I feel like have no place in anything any more. I can't work, so I can't describe myself according to my profession. I can do little at church, so I barely feel like I belong there. Friends are few and far between in Derby, so I feel like I have no social group to fit into. Because of the CFS I feel like I am barely the wife I should be, I can't even fit into that role properly. I feel lost.
I feel alone. Most days the only person I see or speak to is the husband. I love seeing him and speaking to him, but I love seeing and speaking to other people. I don't even mind if that speaking is in the form of email. But people visit here so rarely that I don't get to see them. We don't get invited out - it's like people think oh no she's ill we can't have them round. I feel alone.
I feel useless. Everyday we (or more often than not the husband) makes a list of tasks for the day. They include things like rests, shower, watch TV. At the end of the day instead of a sense of satisfaction about the things I've crossed off the list I feel pathetic that that is all I can manage in a day. I know I could try and not have a list, but past experience shows that without the list I end up doing little as I need that to focus me. I feel like I contribute little to society, little to my marriage. Like I don't function like a normal human being, and so am useless compared to most people.
I feel sad. I feel sad that this is what my life is now. That I can't do what I used to. That I can't contribute like I used to. That so much of my life is spent in our little house. That I can rarely see much loved friends and family because we don't live in the same town. That I'm not the wife the husband deserves. That having once been so active I now have to be so inactive. I feel sad.
But if you were to ask me, I'm ok, after all you wouldn't know what to do if I stood and gave you that reply so I'll save you the embarrassment.
I really feel for you. As you know I am going through the same things, this post could have been written by me too.
ReplyDeleteI can only pray things get better for you. I think its brilliant that you are writing this blog so that people can better understand what you are going through.
Keep going! Anything is an achievement with CFS.
hey Ruth, I completely understand how you are feeling and what you are going through, what you wrote really hit a cord with me as also being in a new town and just got married and with my M.E. going down hill this year I completely understand how you are feeling. You will get there but it does take times, keep up the pacing and take little steps each day xx
ReplyDelete( Nickie Savage)