exercise

I am trying to do 30 minutes of exercise a day. I know we are all meant to do 30 minutes make you out of breath type exercise five times a week. I couldn't do that without wearing myself into the ground. So I do 20 minutes of pilates and 10 minutes walking a day. Apart from today. Today I am feeling a bit not with it. I had a really strange nights sleep, I didn't sleep best well but when I did sleep I dreamt I was awake in bed. So it feels like I haven't slept at all. Therefore today I am doing less pilates, the same walk and having a much gentler day. We are going away at the weekend and I don't want to exhaust myself too much and end up not enjoying the weekend.

Job

I am currently reading through the Bible in a year, with the Soul Survivor Bible in on year. I am really enjoying it and am finding that I have a better relationship with God through it. Part of yesterday's reading was the first few chapters of Job. He had a really rough time with everything being taken from him. Three of his friends having heard about this went to see him. I love that the first thing they did was sit with him in silence for seven days. They didn't go in and try to change things for him, help make things better. They didn't start off spouting platitudes and there there's and trying to make him feel better. They just sat with him in his pain. How often when we see someone hurting do we try and fix it by doing things or saying nice comforting words? I know that this is quite a normal reaction. Another normal reaction is to ignore the person and the problem, avoid them as much as possible. A very rare reaction is just to go and be with that person. To sit with them in their pain, to be there when needed. The person who is just there for me is definitely the person who has helped me most in this period of illness, not the person who has said nice things or tried to help fix it.

cards

We have nearly finished making our Christmas cards. I simply love being ahead of myself and being prepared, so having these nearly done makes me very happy indeed. I've got a few little finishing touches to add, which will be done tomorrow. Then I just need to find envelopes the right size to fit them (or make some if I can't find them). In the next couple of days a kit that helps me make some fab Christmas decorations should be delivered - I can't wait to get it and start making them! Christmas is nearer than you'd think guys - be prepared!

achieved

Just recently there have been some things I have achieved that I feel help to mark progress on the road to recovery. I am aware that these are things that in more people's worlds are normal and everyday, but for me they are not, and are a step forward.

- I am now walking nine minutes a day. It is a four and half minutes along the road and turn round and four and a half minutes back. Due to the nature of the roads around us there are no round routes to walk round. At first I felt silly walking along turning around and going back. But i Have managed to get over that.

- I am swimming once a week, and managing to do a fair bit of actual swimming. And when I get home I need a rest but I don't feel shattered.

- I drove the car today and yesterday. Today was much more challenging because I was a bit tired from yesterday, so I had to turn off everything apart from the engine coz even the background noise of the air coming through the vents was too much.

- I went to Sainsbury's on my own. This meant I was out of the house on my own. And I had to make decisions about what to buy all by myself. And two of those decisions were lovely new items of clothes for me. And I managed to have some fun chat with the till lady.

- I went to the doctors all by myself. I am rubbish at even going out of the house by myself, let along somewhere that means I have to converse a doctor and listen properly to give him the information he needs to help me get better.

- I got really wiped out last weekend, but through careful management and pacing I have now pulled myself back to the point where I was before the weekend. I was so convinced after last weekend that I had gone so many steps back that it would take me weeks to recover. But it hasn't, and I shall know that in the future.

head

It seems that often the hardest thing to deal with it what goes on in my head. I know that my body is broke at the moment, but it seems that my head is having a great effect on my recovery. The weekend just gone was really draining, and now my body is needing some time to recover. However my head seems to have done a big downward spiral. I am annoyed at myself for putting myself in a position where I do go back a few steps. I thought that I was starting to very slowly get better and then I go and do something that makes me worse. I know that I can now bring myself back to level I was at, I have the tools to do that, but I wish I hadn't put myself in this position. I need to get my head back into a good place to help my body. I need to stop thinking negatively. I need to keep my chin up. I need some good head space. I will learn from this experience.

wiped

We have been away for the weekend. We were staying with some fabulous friends and it was really lovely to see them. However being away from home made it hard to keep to a routine that helps me. Mealtimes were completely different, activities were completely different, rest times were harder to come by. We did a lot of things requiring brain work and little physical activity. I am now completely wiped. It shows me that putting all the things that I learnt at CFS group work and help me no end. Today I am going to be chilling a little more than normal to get over the weekend, and then from Tuesday will properly reinstate normal routine knowing that doing the right things helps me no end.

finished

Well the CFS group I had been going to has finished. The last one was yesterday, and I thought that leaving at the end I would feel sad. But I didn't. I guess I felt kind of uplifted, like the rest of my life starts now and I have the tools to handle it. I know that I have been given all I need to be able to manage my CFS, so long as I put those things into place. I will miss some of the people at the group, it was good being able to talk with people that are going through the same thing. However I think we are going to try and keep in touch with each other, so I will still be able to access that support. I am really grateful to the Chronic Fatigue Service here in Derby, they have helped me understand the condition so well, and given so much to me in terms of knowing how to handle it.

Mourning

I feel like I am slightly in mourning. All of my life September has marked something of a new year. When I was in education it was the start of the new school year. All of my working life any job I have had has involved a September start, I have either been in schools or working with children at church which brings with it a September restart to all groups. So now I am not working September has begun and it brings with it no starts. No groups starting up, no new children to meet, nothing new. Just the same old illness and the same old attempts at managing it. Maybe next September will bring a new start with it. And so I feel I am slightly in mourning as I don't get to experience the normalness of September.

helping

A couple of months ago I took up Pilates. I have a DVD with 10 minutes sections. When I started I did the 10 minutes stretching part. It was a bit hard work to start with, so I wouldn't do all of it, just what I could manage. I found that it meant that I was getting less pain in my joints and muscles. I now occasionally do a bit of the belly on or bums and thighs. I can't manage to all the repetitions of every bit of it, but I am finding it to help me an awful lot. It is a nice gentle type of exercise that I can do while I am unable to do any more vigorous exercise. It is helping me a lot, and strangely giving me some hope for the future that there will be a return to a more normal.

lonely

There are many days when I see no-one apart from the husband. Part of this is because we live too far from friends for me to walk to see them, part of this is because friends don't seem to visit us. This leaves me feeling fairly lonely a lot of the time. It doesn't help that I find talking on the phone to be quite tiring. Some people are good at sending texts and emails and such. These help me feel a little less lonely. I think a little of what doesn't help as well is that I go to bed alone and get up alone, as my bed and waking times are different to the husband. I've found from talking to others at my CFS group that they can feel isolated and lonely as well. It's not a symptom of the condition, but it does seem to be a by-product.

moon

I've had a little break from here because the husband and I have had a little holiday. We had a lovely time being able to catch up with friends and family, and going swimming and to see the sea.

Some friends in life you don't get to see very often. One of those type of friends I was texting to wish them well in a new job they are starting. They asked how I was and I told them taking small steps on the road to health. They replied that small steps can get you to the moon and back. I think getting to the moon might be my new aim. I will see what it is like there before deciding if I come back again or not.