Practicing

As part of stepping from the shadow into the light I am practicing having a more positive outlook, even when it doesn't come natural, or when I don't feel positive. I am trying really hard to be grateful for what I have. I take the roof over my head and the food I eat for granted, when there are so many who don't have these privilidges. I have friends, I get on with my family, I am loved by an amazing husband. All of these things are a blessing that I don't take for granted. I am loved by the creator, who also provided the means of my salvation. Amongst these biggies there are many smaller blessings within my life. When I start thinking about what I would like to have, I overlook all I do have, the privilidged life I have. Since trying to have a more positive outlook I have found that I have been in a better head space. The last eight days or so I have also been in better health. I don't like it when I have dips, but I am thankful that I know what to do to help myself get better. I still have a way to go to back as well I was in June, but I will work on, I will be positive, and I will be grateful for what I have.

Shadow

Some days I feel like a shadow
A shadow of my former self.
A shadow of the life I used to live.
A shadow of what I used to do.
A shadow of the one who was once sister, daughter, friend.

This shadow is restricting.
It reminds me of how life could be.
It reminds me of potential left unmet.
It reminds me of how selfish this illness makes you become.
It reminds me of what could be.

This shadow is repressive.
The darkness tells me I am not me.
The darkness tells me of what I don't have.
The darkness reminds me of what I am not.
The darkness swallows up hope of light.

It is always cooler in the shade.
A shadow is rarely noticed.
A shadow is an imperfect imitation of something real.
A shadow is overshadow of real life.
A shadow of my former self.

Life should not be lived as a shadow.
I must strive to live in the light.
I must remember the me of now is the real me.
I must celebrate the many good parts of life.
I must shrug off the shadow,
                 be the me I am,
                          not bound by what was,
                                    or what could be.

Stepping out of the shadow, into the light.

best

I know many a wife will think this about their own spouse, but I really do have the best husband in the whole world wide. I don't always cope so well with having M.E., he has to cope with a wife with M.E. who doesn't always cope so well. And he does so admirably. I may have written about him on here before, brain fog and being too lazy to reread means I don't know. So apologies if this is a repeat. But really he is fantastic. I feel like he is gift from God. I wouldn't be managing to get through without him. He carries way more than his fair share of jobs around the house, doesn't have the social life he/we could if I were well, he has to spend more time than any husband should reassuring me when I wobble, he is the one that ends up having to build me up, cheer me up, pick me up. And he does it all without complaining, without a thought of how it could be. He is better than me about accepting life as it is, about taking what we have and working towards the better. My husband is amazing, and I love him very much.

Description

I think the best description of life right now is up and down. Some days I feel like I'm coping, some I don't, some moments I feel like I'm coping, sometimes don't. I can be doing ok, then it can suddenly go down again, or I can be not so great and it can pick up. I don't know what I do or don't do that makes any difference at the moment, which can be frustrating. Sometimes I can manage to be out of the house, or have people round, but sometimes I feel a bit like I have to batten down the hatches, let that particular storm pass, shut away from the world. But we are managing, there is a very slow upward trend, so slow you have to look closely to notice it! The husband remains a complete tower of strength, I have no idea how he does it, it is much easier to cope with him by my side.

Collection

I just have a collection of things I have been thinking about.

My husband frequently tells me that he has got me safe, and that God is holding me. Sometimes I find this easier to believe than others, but I like that they both have me and that I get reminded of that daily.

Good friends are better than any medicine.

The road ahead will contain ups and downs. If I worry about the next down coming it does me no good. I need to enjoy the good, and keep pacing myself through it all. I know that there will be full healing, I just don't know if that will happen during my time on earth or if I have to wait for heaven. But it will come.

Having wanted a sister when growing up, it is a privilege now to have sisters in law, especially those who care, who love and speak strength and love to me because they know from a place of experience about life being tough. Friends who speak into my life from their experience are also a blessing.

I like cake. And lemon crunch. And apple crumble. And ice cream. And toffee sauce.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. And I don't think it is a train approaching!

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
    my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
    my shield^[b] and the horn^[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.        Psalm 18:2

Both

These last few days have seen both a big success and a big failure. Thursdays is my swim day. I am only in the pool for thirty minutes and there is not much zoomy swimming happening. But I really enjoy being in the water, it is the one time in the week that I feel normal, that I feel like myself. On Thursday I wasn't feeling amazing anyway, partly to be blamed on too much bad sleep and partly to be blamed on monster PMT (tmi?). I got ready to set off for my swim. I made the husband a cup of tea in his thermos mug and remembered to bring biscuits. This is because after he met me at the swimming pool he was going to church to do some man work with drills and things. I got my money ready and made sure I had all my swim stuff. Organising myself takes a bit more brain power these days so then I had a little sit down. I set of to the pool, the only time in the week that I drive at the moment. I had got about a minute and a half from home when I noticed the petrol light was flashing. Not on to let it me know it was low, flashing. Flashing to say it will very soon run out. I panicked, pulled over and rang the husband. He assured me that it would get me to the pool ok. But neither of us had any money on us to get petrol on the way back from the pool. He thought it would probably be ok, and if it did run out that wouldn't happen until he was with me anyway. But by that point I was panicked. Too panicked to drive the car. I used to drive my car until the petrol gauge was below red, I used to push it to see how far it would go on nothing, it was a game between me and the car. I used to enjoy it. Now the thought that there was a chance it could run out was all too much. I was too panicked the worry took the energy I had for swimming. So I turned round, went home, cried, and felt silly. What a failure.

Yesterday I knew I had to try a solo venture out of the house. If I didn't then going to my thursday swim  would likely instil panic and worry again. So I spent all morning convincing myself I really should. I must do it. I could do it. I had some things that needed taking to a friend that I was going to send the husband with at some point. I decided to take them myself. They live fairly near so I walked. It was the most nervy walk I think I've ever had, silly really, friends shouldn't make me nervy but that seems to be how it is at the moment. I knocked on the door, on answering it my friend said they were glad it was me, they were going to ring me that afternoon as they wanted to talk to me. It turned out to be very good talking, they offered some considered thoughts on the road I find myself walking at the moment. They asked the questions I kind of wished someone would ask, not that I necessarily had answers, but the questions showed the kindness I needed and the wisdom imparted was very timely. I left there, went home, feeling brighter, lighter, and slept well last night feeling more positive about me, about the future. What a success.

Confession

I am just listening to Simon Mayo's confessions podcast. They say confession is good for the soul don't they. Whoever they is. And that point at which I told the husband how I really feel, it felt like a burden had lifted. It brought new things to deal with. Like the reality of living life as actual me, not pretending me. Typing that last post helped a little too. Knowing that others will start to understand how I feel. For now, I try to work out how to be me. To live with, and deal with, the M.E., and the more recent feelings. I was planning to have a few weeks of not doing very much. Of spending time as me and the husband. Of working it through. Of not feeling the need to put up the front. And then the opportunity arose last night to share food with friends. Despite the thought that I just need time to myself, it felt right to see them. It had to act on those right feelings, even though doing so made me feel very nervous. Silly isn't it. Seeing good friends shouldn't make me feel nervous. But it did. Silly isn't it.

The thing I was most nervous about was the how question, how are you? I don't like that question, mostly because I never know what it means. Is it an extension of a greeting, hi how are you? Is it polite, this is what we should say, how are you? Is it a general give me a few word answer that summarises, how are you? Is it I care for you, I have time for to listen to a couple of sentences worth of answer but don't go on, how are you? Is it I actually want to know and will take time to listen, how are you, how is the M.E., how have you been sleeping this week, how is the joint/muscle pain, how are the headaches, how is the nausea, how is the irritable bowel syndrome been this week, how are you? I just don't know what that question means and so I don't know how to answer. At the moment I don't even know what my truthful answer to any of those types of how are yous.

Thankfully these lovely friends didn't ask that question at all. They just let me be me. It was lovely. We ate tasty food, we played a not boring board game. I felt the closest to human I have felt not just all week but for several weeks. We got hme well after my bedtime, but I didn't feel tired. I felt nice. I felt warm inside. I felt loved.

I still won't be going out much for a couple of weeks, especially not to places with multiples of people. That we shall work on and gradually build up again. Like we shall build honesty, confidence and hopefully health. One day there will be no more nerves at doing the normal, less worry about the how question, no continuous questions to the husband about what will happen when with who and will he stay with me the very whole time. One day there has to be a return to greater normality. There has to be.

tired

I am tired. Not tired as in I have M.E. and part of that is that it makes me tired. I am tired in that way, don't get me wrong, but more than that I am tired of being ill. I have had enough of this now. I have had enough of the nausea, the crippling headaches, the muscle pains, the joint pains, the not being able to sleep, the overwhelming tiredness, the inability to do things, the everything else. I've had enough. Enough of my life. Of the life that having this illness makes me live.

Just recently I have been very aware that life has become one big front. I put it on when I walk out of the door, or when someone walks through the door. It occasionally lowers when the husband is around. Occasionally. Even he doesn't see the whole of the inside. Until yesterday. Yesterday saw breakdown. It saw the front go. I told him just how I feel. He learnt how I don't really see the point to my existence. With life how it is at the moment I can't help but feel that if I wasn't here it would be easier for everyone. For the darling one who has to live with me the worry and burden of care would be gone if I were no more. I don't think people realise the effect me being ill has on him, how he actually needs as much care and support as I do but it being less readily available to him coz I can't give it to him and to those outside of the two the us focus always more on me, the ill one. I've done that to him. I've given him that burden. I've left him without the support he needs. Its my fault. The hurt and suffering he goes through at the moment, that is because of me. Because I can't manage to have a well body. Because of me his life is not as it could be. Doesn't have the lightness and fun and laughter it could have. Its my fault.

And outside of the two of us, I don't fit in. I don't work. I don't mother. People ask how you are, hows your day been. The answer is boring. The same all the time. No-one wants to know that the total sum of my day was doing the washing up and putting some washing one. How dull. And so I have nothing to offer conversation. Nothing to make me good company. Unless I put the front up.  But managing this front is just too exhausting.

Oh I know when I am in a more well phase I can be useful for doing odd things, for making up the numbers, for being given the sympathy invite. And when that happens I have to build the front again so no-one sees the inside. If they saw the inside they wouldn't be interested. Oh maybe the first time they would have a listening ear, would cluck their sympathy. But when it went on and on, they would lose interest. It would exhaust them. But keeping the front up tires me. And I'm tired enough already.

So what to do. The husband now knows what is happening behind the front. He is happy to stick around and help me work it out.  But being outside the house without the front seems too dangerous. I just can't manage that. And keeping the front up can't be an option right now. My M.E. symptoms are too bad at the moment to cope with tiring nature of front building and maintaining, of being the person I'm not so that others don't have to cope with the person I am.

I have no answers. All I really want is mum to walk through the door with a fish pie and we can watch Saturdays casualty together and life can be how it was. When it was fun. When it was safe. When it was easy and nice. But that isn't going to happen. Darn those scientists for there lack of time machine making. For now I feel like I just need to shut myself away. To be me and my Marky. To not see other people. To not be putting a front on. To be real to how I feel. It is too exhausting to do that around other people. I am exhausted enough already without that.

Puzzling

We've been finding the last few weeks to be a bit up and down, but we are getting through it by puzzling. It turns out that jigsaws are helping me to get a little bit more well. They are stopping me from sitting around so much, and from watching tv so much, two things that are not helpful to my healing. It also turns out that the husband enjoys puzzling too so we get to enjoy jigsaws together. The process of puzzling is not too taxing physically or mentally, so is perfect for those times i can domlittle physically or mentally! I enjoy the excitement of starting a new puzzle, and the satisfaction of a complete puzzle. When you are limited to the amount you can do it can feel frustrating, you can feel like you achieve very little. Completing a puzzle feels like an achievement.

Frustrating.

I'm finding this return to a not so good patch of the CFS to be rather frustrating. We were at a point that we thought we might be almost through it. Life was starting to be lived almost normally. Rests and early nights were had by choice not necessity. Long walks were feasible. It was possible to talk in the phone for longer than twenty minutes without feeling wiped out after. But now we are back to a place were conversations need to be kept short, exercise is taken down to a minimum, rests and early nights are most definitely a necessity. It feels like such a big backwards step, maybe more of a leap. It is going to take many many small steps to return to where we were, but I am determined that slowly and surely those small steps will be taken. However long and frustrating that might be.

Garden

We have been growing things in our garden this summer. I know it is not unusual for people to grow things in a garden, but until this summer we have never intentionally grown anything. In the old house we had a small front garden, and the only things that grew initial were things that the previous inhabitants had planted, once a year the husband would cut everything right back, and that is all we did. We did make an attempt at growing some tomatoes, but failed miserably. This year we have grown some bulbs out the front garden, tulips, aliums and something I can't remember the name of. They were all very beautiful, I loved walking out the front door to see the prettiness and beautiful colours. We have grown grass, some from seed and some that came to us from turf. The husband loves looking after it, he is so proud of the lawn when he's cut it. We have also grown some edible things. We have had some of our home grown potatoes, with some more growing, we have been enjoying the strawberries growing in tubs by the shed and our tomato plants have been late developers, but are now flowering, we shall see if they produce fruit. We tried to grow some courgette plants but something in the garden found the plants rather tasty and ate them all up! We now have some lavender planted in the border, and are thinking what other plants we might add to the border. It has been so satisfying growing things. I like creating generally, making things, but there is greater satisfaction in creating things that you can eat and that are so beautiful. I can see why God on creating the world and all that is in it that he looked at it and declared that it is good.

tough

This week has been a really tough week. There is a lot that I can't say on here. The short version is that a child was placed with us. It very quickly became apparent that we could not meet their needs. We had only been told a small amount about them rather than the full picture. Had we have known the full picture we would not have accepted the placement. With the help of a professional (outside of social services) who worked with the child, we were able to have them moved to another placement. We have come to realise that an awful lot was done wrongly before the placement happened, and since it breaking down we have no support from the channels we should have done. Thankfully friends and family have gathered round and offered their support. We have been left hurting and broken from the experience. We are taking some time to return to a sense of normality and then will make a decision about what we do for the future. Needless to say my CFS has suffered big time through the experience, I am at a low that I have not been at since the beginning of the year,maybe even before that. Many symptoms have returned like unwelcome friends. I am hoping I can manage them well so that they can disappear quickly!

Approved

The husband and I have been approved to foster. We have thought for a while about having children, but realised we didn't really want children of our own. This is partly because we don't have that desire, and partly because we don't know what pregnancy and those early months with a new born would do to my body/health. So we looked into other options and decided to apply to foster. The application process isn't easy, requires a lot of looking at your life in the past and doing a lot of reflecting on what happened, why, and how it made/makes you feel. We felt it to be intrusive and hard going, but we know that the nature of the role of a foster carer means that they need to pry into all parts of your life to ensure you are suitable to foster. Our panel date was last Thursday, we had to go along to the panel, who having considered the (long) assessment our social worker had completed, asked our social worker a few questions, and then called us in to ask a few questions. We had been told they wouldn't be hard questions, just clarifying anything they needed to, and thankfully that was how it was. In terms of my health and fostering, I am doing really well at the mo, probably operating at about 80% of my old norm, but accepting that that may well be my new norm. We have been open and honest about my health all through the assessment, which includes a medical at which I was declared fit to foster. We are excited, although a little apprehensive, about this new journey that we are starting on.

Article

I was reading an article that claimed one in ten people would consider ending a relationship if their other half was a duvet hogger causing them to have constant disturbed nights sleep. On getting married the husband and I struggled with duvet sharing. It didn't help that the CFS didn't always let me sleep so well, and that the husband gets up at 5:20am for work. I love to be cocooned In the duvet, with tucked under me all round. The husband likes to throw the cover around through the night. Neither of us could tolerate having any part of us touching the other while slerping. And so when we moved, and treated ourselves to a king size bed, we also bought single duvets. It has been one of the best things we have done. We don't disturb each other as we sleep, we don't try to nick covers off each other. We have found that we keep to our sides of the bed, rather than following where the duvet has gone and finding ourselves both on the same side of the bed. We are not adverse to a bit of creative thinking when solutions need to be found!

Last

Well I'm not quite sure why, but this last two weeks has seen a marked improvement in my health. We haven't done anything particularly different, if anything we have been more busy than usual. I know not to rest on my laurels and accept this as the new permanent norm, there is a chance it's just a temporary peak, but I'm happy to accept it as a temporary norm, and pray it becomes a permanent norm. We are off on holiday the week after next, the husband and I have become used to a more slow pace of life, and in all honesty both quite enjoy it, but it would be nice to holiday knowing that we can do that little bit more. We are hoping to visit Southwold for the day while on holiday. The last time we went there we had to take a wheelchair so I could be pushed along the prom. This visit will most defiantly be a marked improvement on that! I'm hoping this weather continues and we can spend long enough on the beach to build a mega sandcastle, which will then justify a trip to the chip shop!

ago

This time two years ago I had finished work, handed in my last essay and dissertation. And then I spent a month where getting out of bed took pretty much all my effort. The husband had to shower me most days as I sat in the bath tub. A good day was one in which I could get myself out of bed, make a very slow painful journey downstairs and fetch myself some water and toast and collapse onto the sofa until the husband got home. To get back upstairs the husband had to push/support from behind. Two years ago. Two years. If you'd have told me then how well I'd be in two years time I simply would not have believed you. I'm hoping that in two years time I am more well then I could dare to dream now. You know, like the completely well dream.

Spafford

Horatio G Spafford wrote one of the church type songs that resonates most with me. You know, the ones that when you sing it's like the words, the music, the meaning are part of all that you think and feel.

 When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

 It is well, With my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

 Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

 My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

 For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

 But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

 A few weeks ago at church we learned about the circumstances Spafford was in when he wrote it. He had already had a bit of a rough time, with a son dying and a lot of property he had bought as an investment going up in smoke. He and his wife decided to take a trip to England, thinking the break would do them good, and it would mean being able to support D. I. Moody who was preaching in England at the time. Some last minute business prevented Spafford from travelling with his wife and daughters. Unfortunately the boat they were travelling on was struck by another boat, causing it to sink. His wife survived, but sadly his children did not. On arriving in England his wife sent message to him saying 'saved alone. What shall I do....' Spafford set sail for England to join his wife. When the boat he was travelling on was at the same place the boat carrying his family went down the captain informed him of this fact. He went to his cabin and penned the above hymn. What a testimony.

 Life has thrown various curve balls at me at times. There have been times when it's been hard to see how to make a way through. But through it all, through tricky jobs, bad relationships, struggling with studying, parental illness of various kinds, all that went on with mum and auntie B, moving away from loved ones, depression, CFS/ME, through everything I can, and always have been able to say, it is well with my soul. All thanks and praise to God.

Sleep

I can't remember if I've said before, and I'm too lazy to go back and check, but I find lack of sleep is one of the hardest things to deal with with CFS/ME. It seems wrong somehow that an illness that leaves you feeling exhausted the whole time also does its best to stop you from sleeping. However these last three nights I have slept really well. I have had a could of wake ups each night, but each one was a case of snuggle down and go back to sleep, rather than be awake for hours lucky to get back to sleep at all. Whilst with CFS/ME any sleep you do get tends to be unrefreshing, I sure do feel better for having had a few actual nights sleep in a row. I'm hoping it carries on for a while to come, the day is easier to face when you know you are rested.

Anxiety

It would appear that the latest thing to add itself to the list for things to work through is a good dose of anxiety. Doing anything outside of the house tha involves interaction with other people, but that I have to do without the husband, leads me to become so anxious that I kinda struggle to even epleave the house. I think that this all stems from the fact that for so long I was reliant on the husband to get me about because I couldn't drive far and couldn't walk far. At the time we lived in a place that to see anyone we knew involved either a long drive or an impossible walk. So physically I was reliant in him to take me places and be places with me. This physical dependency then turned into an emotional dependency, and it's not since we've been loving in a place that I can walk/drive places from that we've realised quite how emotionally reliant I've been on him. I can manage things like going for a swim by myself as it doesn't really involve interaction with other people. But things where people are are a bit of a no no. It would turn out that the things that cause the most anxiety are things that are akin to the job I used to do. Things that are not related to the kind of things I used to at work still cause anxiety, but not at the same level. We are working through it, looking for root causes, counteracting them and gradually building up things I do by myself. I could do with noting else adding itself to the list of things that need working through, there is plenty enough there already.

not

Not a lot has been said around here lately because there is not a lot to say! Things have just been trundling along. My health has been fairly steady, no great ups or downs. Nothing overly exciting has been happening. We have been able to spend a lot of time with friends, old and new, which has been really lovely. One thing that has happened since I've poorly is that I have felt fairly friendless, a combination of me not being able to do so much and friends not knowing what I can do and so not worrying with me (well that's what it felt like) so to be able to do things with friends again is lovely. Can't remember if I said or not but my career as an Avon lady was fleeting - it definitely was not for me. It was hard to do on my own so the husband had to help a fair bit. One time I went out on my own delivering catalogues I had a fall, with a backpack full of catalogues and my hands full of them too. It wasn't nice. So we decided that it wasn't worthwhile. I need to start doing something more regular with my time, there is a possibility in the pipeline but one that I can't talk about here just now. Oh, we did have a little lesson in reaching for the attainable the other day. We were with friends and their nearly two year old was saying no to everything asked of her. When her mum asked her if she wanted 1 million pounds she looked at her mum, paused briefly and then said 'no'. Her mum then asked her if she wanted 5 pounds. Her reply - 'yes'. When she got down from the table after dinner she went and got her mum's purse and asked for her pennies. Knowing what is impossible and not reaching for it, and knowing what is possible and setting out to get that is a lesson that many with CFS need to learn as early in the journey as possible.

Done

Well all the cooking is done, we arrived on Friday afternoon, didn't need to make anything til Saturday morning, so we made some cake to test out the oven. Just as well we did coz the oven we used was a bit dodgy. In ten minutes the top was completely black and the rest was still cake mix. It had to be thrown out. We then had a bit of a panic that we were a pudding down, but worked out that we had enough ingredients to make a back up plan. After that we used the other oven that was not dodgy a fair bit, and used the not so good one on gas mark one for things like slow cooked roast pork. I have to say that before the weekend I thought there was no way we could actually cook for fifty people for three days. The husband would assure me that we could do it, that we had planned well enough and it was possible. I wasn't sure if my health would hold out well enough, but it did, just. We had planned rests in, and had a lovely lady called Sophie who helped us out. She was invaluable. We had planned all the food prep stuff, but had forgotten about things like washing up and laying tables. Without Sophie we wouldn't have managed it all. We got back Monday. Tuesday I collapsed a bit, kept falling asleep, didn't really manage to much at all. Today hasn't been too bad, so I'm hoping that by the weekend I am back to my norm ready for the next big adventure that starts on Monday. But more of that later.

experimental

Today I am doing some experimental cooking ready to feed some friends tomorrow. I do not normally experiment with food for friends, however these friends have volunteered to be my guinea pigs. Next weekend we are cooking for our church's youth weekend. If you are a praying type please pray for this, it will be a real test of my health. The weekend is the reason for the experimental cooking. We will be making some things that we have not made before. One of these is chocolate crunch, which I remember from school dinners but the husband has no recollection of so I don't know if it's just a Suffolk schools things. One of the other things is sponge cake. Now I have made sponge cake many many times before. This time, however, is different. This time we are making it with a packet mix. It is a catering packet mix to which you just add water and whisk. Making the experiment one made me feel a bit dirty. I have never made any kind of cake from a packet before. I was taught as a child how to make cakes from real ingredients, and that is the only way I have ever done it. I am used to taking time to make things, to craft them, to work on them, to put something of myself in them. It's what we used to call when I was younger 'made with love'. So to open a packet, add water and mix just felt wrong. It felt like a quick fix for something that should be created with care, that should have time spent on it. I'm the same with craft things, I like to create a card from scratch, not use card kits that are a bit like the card making version of painting by numbers. And it has led me to wonder, why when I like to spend time on things, making them the best I possibly can, do I look for quick fixes for the CFS. Why do I not accept that that is something that I need to spend time on, crafting a well doofas. I want the just add water and mix fix. The just add water and mix makes an ok cake, but it's nothing in comparison to the cake that has been crafted, had time spent it, the one that's made with love. Maybe I need to start making more of my health with love.

remove

Todays main job has been to remove gloss paint from the glass above our upstairs doors so that we can put some glass paint on them and make them look a bit nicer. This has been hard work, I'm only half way there and can't do anymore today as it is giving me some pain in my shoulders. It will be great when it's all done its just taking a little while to get there! It'll be lovely when it's done, it's one of those things I've been looking forward to getting done since we moved in. Health has been a bit up and down this week. Last weekend was really busy, Monday wasn't so good but it's picked up quickly since then.

together

I am feeling decidedly more together than a did last month. It helps that things in the house have settled down, there are not strangers coming and going doing various bits of work. In fact we have a bit of gloss work, two bedrooms, the garden and a kitchen extractor fan to sort and then the whole thing is done, complete. My head is a bit more sorted in terms of who I am. I recognise that illness, marriage and time make people different, but it was nice to be able to think a bit about who I was, and to find as I'm getting better that some of old Ruth is still there. Now we are involved in a fab church where I can easily get involved in things helps as well. It is helping me to remember what I love doing, things that I am passionate about. I'm helped as well by the husband and I talking through some big things that had previously been troubling me. I have a silly cold at the moment that is obviously affecting my health, but other than that I am generally going ok.